Why is it that the word feedback can make people feel sick to their stomachs?
We know feedback is essential for growth, yet many of us instinctively brace ourselves when we hear, Can I give you some feedback? Years ago, when I became certified in Fierce Conversations—a communication model designed to help organizations improve dialogue—I experienced firsthand just how much people dread both giving and receiving feedback.
One of the most eye-opening activities we used as facilitators was a simple poll at the start of a session:
You can probably guess the results. Most people were hesitant to give feedback, and even fewer were eager to receive it. But why is that?
I often compare this to professional sports. Think about elite athletes. Their coaches are relentless in their feedback—not because they enjoy being critical, but because they want their athletes to win. The players crave that level of insight because they know it’s the key to performing at their best.
So why is it so different in the corporate world? Why do we hesitate to give honest feedback, and why do we take it so personally when we receive it?
I remember it vividly. Early in my career, I was in a Director-level HR role and eager to move up to the next level. At the time, I worked for a leader in his 50s—I was in my early 30s. He was one of the most exceptional and gracious leaders I had ever worked for, but he rarely gave me constructive feedback.
One day, I decided to push him for it. What would it take for me to earn the respect needed to move to the next level?
After an initially awkward conversation, he finally gave me two pieces of feedback that hit hard:
I walked out of that conversation feeling two things at once: thankful and a little mortified. My instinct was to defend myself, but I quickly realized that my rebuttal didn’t matter. His perception was his reality, and his candor was pivotal for my growth. If I wanted to operate at the executive level, I needed to adjust my communication style.
That experience taught me some critical lessons—ones I still use today when coaching teams and leaders on embracing feedback:
No one likes hearing that they need to improve, but the best leaders seek it out. Instead of fearing feedback, shift your mindset: feedback isn’t an attack—it’s an opportunity.
People often hesitate to share constructive feedback unless they’re prompted. Instead of waiting for vague, surface-level comments, ask direct questions like:
If you immediately get defensive, people will stop being honest with you. Instead, practice active listening. Take in the feedback, ask clarifying questions, and thank the person for their perspective—even if it stings.
It doesn’t matter if you think you’re communicating effectively—what matters is how others experience you. Leaders who succeed at the highest levels are self-aware enough to adjust their approach based on how they’re perceived.
If you’re the one delivering feedback, don’t dance around the issue. Remember that direct is kind. Good feedback is actionable, not personal. It should empower someone to improve, not leave them feeling discouraged.
If professional athletes thrive on feedback, why shouldn’t we? What if we viewed feedback not as a judgment but as a competitive advantage?
The most successful people I know don’t just accept feedback—they seek it out. Because at the end of the day, the goal isn’t to avoid tough conversations—it’s to grow from them.
So the next time someone offers you feedback, take a deep breath, lean in, and ask yourself: What can I learn from this? It just might be the key to your next level of success.
